i won’t grow up.
As a 7-year-old, hearing that a little tiny baby has cancer was something I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around. A young girl that lived in my community was diagnosed with brain cancer at just four months old. She was diagnosed again at age seven, this time with a different type of cancer. As if being diagnosed with two different types of brain cancer wasn’t enough, Krista was diagnosed with another type of cancer before passing away when she was 11 years old.
Throughout Krista’s life, I had a few opportunities to get to spend time with her. I remember teaching her in Vacation Bible School and getting to see her send her older sister off to mission trips and church camps. I would always make an effort to talk to Krista and let her know that I loved her and was praying for her. I don’t know why, but a piece of me was fascinated by her. I was amazed at her strength and amazed at this illness that could cause her so much pain.
Growing up, I always thought I would be a teacher. I am pretty good with kids and so I thought that was a perfectly acceptable career choice. Something in me also wanted to be involved in the medical field. When I was in high school, I decided that there was no way I wanted to keep going to school for the rest of my life. Something in me wanted to help people. I thought of Krista and how I wanted to be able to help kids just like her. I wanted to be there in the hospital when they were struggling because I wanted to try to make them feel better. And, when I couldn’t make them feel better, I wanted to be able to make them smile. I decided I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse.
I went off to college and started studying the core classes and prerequisites I needed to get into nursing school. It was really nice to be headed to college with a specific career in mind. When I went off to school, I challenged myself to stay at college for a whole month. We had heard that although I may feel homesick at times during that month, that it would be better in the end if I just went ahead and got used to being on my own. This was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I have always been very independent, and I LOVED getting to spend my time how I wanted at college. I am also very social, so spending my weekends hanging out at my dorm and making new friends was really fun for me. A few weeks into the semester, however, I got a phone call letting me know that Krista wasn’t doing well and that it was only a matter of time before she passed away. She was home, surrounded by family and friends, and I wanted so badly to be able to be at home with my family and friends. I wanted to be surrounded by people who understood the relationship I had with Krista. I wanted to be around people who felt the hurt that I was feeling. But, I wasn’t. I was three hours away at college where everyone was having fun. Sure, people felt for me, but they just didn’t understand. I remember feeling so confused. I had known this would happen my whole life. I knew that I should celebrate that Krista lived as long as she did, but I was so sad that she was gone. In an effort to get away and give myself some time to think, I went outside and sat on the curb. I didn’t cry, I just stared into the parking lot.
I began thinking about Krista’s life. I was mad at God. I was mad because it wasn’t fair that she had to deal with having cancer her whole life. Selfishly, I was mad that I was away at college when she passed away. I was sad, too. I could hardly imagine how her family was feeling at that very moment. Luckily, the next weekend I had planned to go home to attend a conference with the girls’ ministry at my church. Me and a few other girls left early and were able to attend Krista’s funeral. What a wonderful celebration of an incredible little life! Since Krista has passed away, I have been working toward my original goal: pediatric oncology nurse. When people asked me why I wanted to do nursing, I told them about Krista. Their reactions consisted mostly of, “Wow! That’s great…but, pediatric nursing is so hard. It will be so sad.” I agreed with them. I knew it would be sad. No one likes to see people sick, especially little kids. But, I kept at it.
There is a program at hospital near my nursing school called PCT (Patient Care Technician). This position is designed for second year nursing students who want a chance to get some hospital experience to help them transition into having their own patients. It is a competitive program that consists of an interview process. This is helpful because it gives students a chance to see what it will be like interviewing later on in life. When I filled out my application, I got to pick three different floors that I wanted to interview on. I selected Nursery, Trauma, and Critical Care. I got a call for an interview with Critical Care. When we were there on the day of interviews, however, they said that although Pediatrics wasn’t previously an option, if we were interested in interviewing for that floor we could sign up. I signed up immediately, hoping that maybe interviewing for another unit would give me a better chance at getting a job.
After waiting for about two weeks, I found out that I GOT A JOB! I was offered a position working days in the pediatric unit. I was so thankful that I would get the opportunity to work this summer. Not only would I have something to do while I was in Abilene, I would be getting paid. It took a few days for it to sink in, but I had sort of just gotten my dream job. After all, working in pediatrics was something I had dreamed of since I had decided to be a nurse. It seemed so surreal. It still does. I don’t start for another few weeks. It’s been nice to have some time off to really experience summer and to get to relax a little bit.
I’ll be posting on here quite a bit this summer. Both days of my pediatric clinical this semester, I cried (and I’m not a crier). I think this summer is going to be really hard for me. I think I’m going to learn a lot about myself and that God has a lot he’s going to teach me this summer. I am excited and nervous and hopeful. We’ll see what happens. :)
